Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Lamentations 3

Sitting in church on Sunday, I was reminded of Lamentations 3 yet again. Jen Weber Sinclair read this scripture to us and then sang a song she wrote based upon it...

19
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Here are chorus lyrics to the song she wrote:

Oh, You are my portion and my cup.
Oh, You've promised today to be enough.

This is the cry of my soul... today He has promised to be enough. I feel like I've spent so much time searching for His peace over all this. Finally, I feel it - it is my oxygen.

I was driving into the City yesterday for my appointment and I was listening to one of my favorite movie soundtracks, Elizabethtown. There is a song on that album that has nothing to do with the Lord, yet I was amazed how it reflected my heart toward Him right now. It goes like this:

All the nights and wasted time
trying to get my head to change its mind
all the talk of what it could be
when it never was

There are some things I can hardly say
You've got me feeling a brand new way
Please don't let this be summerlong
Please don't let this be summerlong
Cuz I want to stay... I want to stay...

Summer Long by Kathleen Edwards

God is in everything... even the things we purposely try to shut him out of because it hurts so much.

Oh, yes, the appointment. When I walked into the exam room, I noticed the previous patient's ultrasound image was still on screen. It must have been her graduation day, because there was a beautiful little peanut there on the screen. Just like Michael was way back then. I smiled and felt in my heart... oh, I want to see that once again. Oh, Lord, let me see that again.

I had determined before the appointment to really push my doctor to tell me what the backup plan is. What if...??? Jason had asked that question in an earlier appointment and I wasn't completely satisfied with the answer. Those that know me know that pushing anyone to do anything is not really my strongsuit... especially doctors that don't like to be questioned. God is so faithful; before I could ask the first tentative question, my doctor went into great detail about how well I'd done over the past few months with all the weight loss and how he feels certain there will be no issue with being able to access the ovaries. He showed me their positions on the ultrasound and how easy they should be to get to. That is a huge relief to me. Everything looks like it should, so I went home with 4 more days of dosing instructions.

Next appointment is Friday.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankful

I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving! We had a very nice time over at a friend's house today. I was able to cook a few of my favorite dishes (sweet potato casserole with pecans on top and apple crisp) and I didn't have to wrestle a big ole turkey. Definitely a win-win. I am so stuffed right now...

Not just with food, but also with Menopur. First injection was tonight - just a few moments ago. Funny how a needle makes it all so much more real. Jason and I are scared out of our minds, but we are holding steady to our rock, our God.

So tonight I am thankful for a number of things:

  • Thankful most of all for my Jesus... that He loves me. I am nothing without Him.
  • Thankful for my husband... my rock. He is my one true North in life.
  • Thankful for my Michael... my joy, my laughter.
  • Thankful for my angel babies in heaven... may they know I love them.
  • Thankful for broken cycles.... my past, the ugliness of my family tree.
  • Thankful for unexpected phone calls...
  • Just thankful...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Gearing Up

We saw Dr. Awadalla today. Everything is "ready", and I will begin injections on Thursday night. We talked about whether or not he is concerned about being able to get to the ovary he couldn't get to last time. He was very optimistic. Jason also made a big point of telling him I'd dropped over 30 pounds in 3 months. He was very happy with that and said he thinks that will definitely work in our favor. So, overall a good visit. :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Going Through the Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

The song Going Through the Motions by Matthew West caught my attention this past week. I've always really liked it and the message behind it, but as I listen to it now there are certain words that I feel deeply. There have been times in my life where I didn't feel anything, and I felt that life was meaningless. That's not the season that I'm in now. I have such a full life, and the people in my family mean so much to me. What resonates with me is the idea of living each day completely full of God's passion, despite the risks to my heart. It occurs to me that my heart is so human, so disgusting when left to its passions, that God breaking it and remolding it is what has to happen (and I hope has already happened on some level). My own pursuits are meaningless, but God's pursuits are everything. Being Michael's mama and Jason's wife are God given pursuits and I want to pursue them passionately, with total abandon. I do still want God to add to that pursuit another child/children, but I also am trying to see God's perspective and purpose. I know I am not capable of understanding it, but I pray that I am learning to live under his yoke, come what may.

Speaking of going through the motions, this week has been a bit like that. I am taking my pills like a good girl. I've filled out my paperwork. The best part of that was where they asked if I'd recently gained or lost more than 20 pounds. So, I got to say that I've lost more than 30 pounds in 3 months. That was a good feeling. Take that little evil doctor man! Ha! Okay, sorry, reigning myself in now :) Wonder if they really even read the paper work... anyway, I'm thankful and feel good :) I have had some dizzy spells. Don't recall that happening in past cycles, but I do believe it's a side effect of the pill, so no biggy. All done with the doxycycline, so at least that's one less pill to take. Another week, and we'll go see Dr. A. I am guessing I'll start shots on Thanksgiving Day.

The only other thing I can think to say is my heart is full of love. Thanks for reading.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Loving God

My doctors appointment last week was uneventful. They drew blood to check my FSH and TSH levels. I've since started on "the pill" (to shut down my ovaries so all the follicles can start from the "same" place) and an antibiotic. I go back in 2 weeks for a baseline ultrasound. Then I'll get my instructions for the injections. In the meantime, all my meds that I had to order have arrived. All I have to do for the time being is fill out some paperwork and make the financial arrangements (ugh). I'm feeling pretty good other than some headaches (which I think may be because I tried to stop my allergy med, so I'm going to wait a bit and try that again).

I've been doing a Beth Moore study this fall. The video this past week was on loving God. Beth reminded us that we have to receive God's love in order to be capable of loving Him (or anyone else). We are that fallen in our sin nature; we cannot conjure up true agape love on our own. Humbling, isn't it? We try to do it all in our own strength. She encouraged us to notice God pouring his love out to us this week. She talked about how we should be saying, "I love you, too." And I have been saying that a lot. I love Him, too. And I feel so thankful.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Beginnings

Today is the first day of November, the beginning of the month.

Today is also Michael's second birthday. Happy Birthday, my little miracle man!

It's his beginning, his first day, of being a two year old. He couldn't be any sweeter.

It's the beginning of something else; it is a Day 1 for me. It begins again.

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Sunday school class, a very Godly man shared this verse, Lamentations 3:19-26.

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

This passage of scripture brought tears to my eyes (which is actually a rare thing for me, most of the time). I still remember the bitter taste of the last two times, the feeling of being utterly lost. This scripture captures those feelings perfectly. I love that this psalmist turns his downcast face to the ray of hope. God's compassions are new every morning; we shall not be consumed. And we were not consumed. And that gives me hope. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. Girl, lift up your face... salvation is coming. I don't know what it looks like but I know it is coming.

So, after the shock (well, how shocked can I be, really, after all this time) that today is indeed Day 1, I called IRH. I have a blood draw scheduled for Wednesday, and then I begin the long protocol (bcps, oh how I hate those things - so counter-intuitive to be taking them during an attempt to get pregnant... lol). Last time we tried the short protocol and it was a pretty dismal failure. So, my RE is going back to what's worked in the past. Of course, I remember him saying that the short protocol was better, less suppressive. Oh, I pray we are on the right track here. Trust, girl, trust. God's hand is in this. He knows what He's doing.

I know my TOH girls read here regularly. Let me just say that your love and support are so greatly needed and deeply appreciated. I had given the link to some other friends and family but I think they have all stopped reading. If they are still reading, I thank them and I love them. This is all strictly on the down low right now; not many people know. We may end up telling more people or we may not. Telling people is so difficult and we've had some cases of some not being supportive and that has left us wounded and confused. We get it, though. We know that many cannot relate or just don't know what to say to us. It's just that with going through so much, we simply choose not to deal with that. One thing I've learned is that no matter how well meaning someone is, the wrong word (or even the right word) at the wrong time can hurt deeply. If you are reading, I ask that you pray for us. Pray for God's mighty hand to be over us.

Well, I reckon that's enough for tonight. Love to you all...