Update

Hello!  The last time I posted here I was 11 weeks pregnant with my twin boys.  I am happy to say they are now 4 months old and doing very well!  I have had no time to blog lately and even our family blog has been inactive.  I decided to start a new blog for 2012.  I am putting this one on hold for now.  We still would love to add to our family, but I have no idea what that's going to look like or if it will even happen.  But, if we should decide to begin our journey again through IVF or adoption, I'll certainly post about it here.  Thanks for following along!

Our new blog is located here.

Finally posting 8 week ultrasound pics!

I'm sorry I've been so terrible about posting. I've been a little tired and nauseated, so I've been napping during every free moment :) Anyway, here are our ultrasounds from 8 weeks (we are in the 11th week now). It's difficult to see both of them in the same shot, but here they are! Cute, aren't they?

The reality of there being 2 of these little miracles has not fully dawned on me yet. I still feel like I'm floating. :)

2nd Ultrasound at 8 weeks

TWINS!!! Will post pics later today or tomorrow!!!

First Ultrasound

We had our first ultrasound today. We were so nervous because of previous experiences. It all went great though! We saw two sacs and two fetal poles with heartbeats. Our RE did warn us though that vanishing twin syndrome occurs frequently, so he said we may or may not end up with twins. Either way is fine with us - one or two - we are just so excited and grateful to God! We go back in another two weeks for another ultrasound :)

test

It is positive!!!! Yay!!!! And I'm going out of town tomorrow, so no time to write more... Thanks for your prayers and keep praying!!! Love you all!

Transfer

We had transfer yesterday :) Thanks so much for all the prayers!!! Now we wait on the Lord :)

Transfer Tomorrow :)

Transfer tomorrow at 7:30am. Thanking and praising our heavenly Father for 4 sweet little embryos. Grow babies, grow!

ER

ER went well :) Very groggy and tired. They took very good care of me. Transfer will *probably* be Wednesday; find out tomorrow :)

Sanctuary

Most Holy One, I hide myself in You. You are my sanctuary.
I rest in knowing You. You are my sanctuary.
~Sanctuary by Jenn Weber Sinclair.

Well, no more needles for me! At least not in my kitchen, that is. I took the last injections tonight. So, now we are retrieval bound. Hope I can sleep the next few nights. This last medication always keeps me up, or maybe it's knowing retrieval is coming.

I keep listening to the same song over and over, Sanctuary. My rest is in Him.

Deliver Me - Retrieval on Monday

Today was tough. I had a conversation with a friend last night that shook me up a bit, and I didn't sleep well. Sometimes it's so hard to maintain friendships across the miles. I look in the mirror some days and wonder who I've become compared to who I was. Am I more like Christ intended me to be, or less? God places sinful, fallen people in our lives who are just as unfinished as we are. Separating out what is of God and what is of flesh is tricky at times. Sometimes I just want Jesus to be next to me with the skin on. And sometimes He is the in the form of a friend or loved one. But, it's rare. And sometimes Satan uses the people in our lives to confuse us, separate us from Him. I know the answer is to keep my eyes on Him. Not the easiest thing for a people-pleaser like me. I choose Christ. He covers me. He is what I'm holding to.

Had my final follicle check today. Retrieval will be Monday, very early in the morning. Transfer will follow probably 2, or 3, days after. For my first two IVF cycles, the days of the week worked out to be the exact same, so I had the same exact doctors for all the same exact appointments. This cycle has followed the same pattern (maybe that's a positive sign - the first two cycles did, after all, result in pregnancies). So, I knew I 'd see Dr. S today and I know he shoots a lot more straight than Dr. A. Don't know why it always knocks me off my game a little, but it does. It's so strange, there are days I go into that office and feel so encouraged, but encouragement wasn't to be found today. Things still look good, but Dr. S points out the possible things that could wrong whereas Dr. A just says it's all good. Don't know which way is better, but it's difficult to go between the two... this is just beyond my control. That's it and that's all. So, we pray and we trust God and we'll see.

Lamentations 3

<sup>Sitting in church on Sunday, I was reminded of Lamentations 3 yet again. Jen Weber Sinclair read this scripture to us and then sang a song she wrote based upon it...

19</sup> I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Here are chorus lyrics to the song she wrote:

Oh, You are my portion and my cup.
Oh, You've promised today to be enough.

This is the cry of my soul... today He has promised to be enough. I feel like I've spent so much time searching for His peace over all this. Finally, I feel it - it is my oxygen.

I was driving into the City yesterday for my appointment and I was listening to one of my favorite movie soundtracks, Elizabethtown. There is a song on that album that has nothing to do with the Lord, yet I was amazed how it reflected my heart toward Him right now. It goes like this:

All the nights and wasted time
trying to get my head to change its mind
all the talk of what it could be
when it never was

There are some things I can hardly say
You've got me feeling a brand new way
Please don't let this be summerlong
Please don't let this be summerlong
Cuz I want to stay... I want to stay...

Summer Long by Kathleen Edwards

God is in everything... even the things we purposely try to shut him out of because it hurts so much.

Oh, yes, the appointment. When I walked into the exam room, I noticed the previous patient's ultrasound image was still on screen. It must have been her graduation day, because there was a beautiful little peanut there on the screen. Just like Michael was way back then. I smiled and felt in my heart... oh, I want to see that once again. Oh, Lord, let me see that again.

I had determined before the appointment to really push my doctor to tell me what the backup plan is. What if...??? Jason had asked that question in an earlier appointment and I wasn't completely satisfied with the answer. Those that know me know that pushing anyone to do anything is not really my strongsuit... especially doctors that don't like to be questioned. God is so faithful; before I could ask the first tentative question, my doctor went into great detail about how well I'd done over the past few months with all the weight loss and how he feels certain there will be no issue with being able to access the ovaries. He showed me their positions on the ultrasound and how easy they should be to get to. That is a huge relief to me. Everything looks like it should, so I went home with 4 more days of dosing instructions.

Next appointment is Friday.

Thankful

I hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving! We had a very nice time over at a friend's house today. I was able to cook a few of my favorite dishes (sweet potato casserole with pecans on top and apple crisp) and I didn't have to wrestle a big ole turkey. Definitely a win-win. I am so stuffed right now...

Not just with food, but also with Menopur. First injection was tonight - just a few moments ago. Funny how a needle makes it all so much more real. Jason and I are scared out of our minds, but we are holding steady to our rock, our God.

So tonight I am thankful for a number of things:

• Thankful most of all for my Jesus... that He loves me. I am nothing without Him.
• Thankful for my husband... my rock. He is my one true North in life.
• Thankful for my Michael... my joy, my laughter.
• Thankful for my angel babies in heaven... may they know I love them.
  
• Thankful for broken cycles.... my past, the ugliness of my family tree.
• Thankful for unexpected phone calls...
• Just thankful...
  

Gearing Up

We saw Dr. Awadalla today. Everything is "ready", and I will begin injections on Thursday night. We talked about whether or not he is concerned about being able to get to the ovary he couldn't get to last time. He was very optimistic. Jason also made a big point of telling him I'd dropped over 30 pounds in 3 months. He was very happy with that and said he thinks that will definitely work in our favor. So, overall a good visit. :)

Going Through the Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

The song Going Through the Motions by Matthew West caught my attention this past week. I've always really liked it and the message behind it, but as I listen to it now there are certain words that I feel deeply. There have been times in my life where I didn't feel anything, and I felt that life was meaningless. That's not the season that I'm in now. I have such a full life, and the people in my family mean so much to me. What resonates with me is the idea of living each day completely full of God's passion, despite the risks to my heart. It occurs to me that my heart is so human, so disgusting when left to its passions, that God breaking it and remolding it is what has to happen (and I hope has already happened on some level). My own pursuits are meaningless, but God's pursuits are everything. Being Michael's mama and Jason's wife are God given pursuits and I want to pursue them passionately, with total abandon. I do still want God to add to that pursuit another child/children, but I also am trying to see God's perspective and purpose. I know I am not capable of understanding it, but I pray that I am learning to live under his yoke, come what may.

Speaking of going through the motions, this week has been a bit like that. I am taking my pills like a good girl. I've filled out my paperwork. The best part of that was where they asked if I'd recently gained or lost more than 20 pounds. So, I got to say that I've lost more than 30 pounds in 3 months. That was a good feeling. Take that little evil doctor man! Ha! Okay, sorry, reigning myself in now :) Wonder if they really even read the paper work... anyway, I'm thankful and feel good :) I have had some dizzy spells. Don't recall that happening in past cycles, but I do believe it's a side effect of the pill, so no biggy. All done with the doxycycline, so at least that's one less pill to take. Another week, and we'll go see Dr. A. I am guessing I'll start shots on Thanksgiving Day.

The only other thing I can think to say is my heart is full of love. Thanks for reading.

Loving God

My doctors appointment last week was uneventful. They drew blood to check my FSH and TSH levels. I've since started on "the pill" (to shut down my ovaries so all the follicles can start from the "same" place) and an antibiotic. I go back in 2 weeks for a baseline ultrasound. Then I'll get my instructions for the injections. In the meantime, all my meds that I had to order have arrived. All I have to do for the time being is fill out some paperwork and make the financial arrangements (ugh). I'm feeling pretty good other than some headaches (which I think may be because I tried to stop my allergy med, so I'm going to wait a bit and try that again).

I've been doing a Beth Moore study this fall. The video this past week was on loving God. Beth reminded us that we have to receive God's love in order to be capable of loving Him (or anyone else). We are that fallen in our sin nature; we cannot conjure up true agape love on our own. Humbling, isn't it? We try to do it all in our own strength. She encouraged us to notice God pouring his love out to us this week. She talked about how we should be saying, "I love you, too." And I have been saying that a lot. I love Him, too. And I feel so thankful.

Beginnings

Today is the first day of November, the beginning of the month.

Today is also Michael's second birthday. Happy Birthday, my little miracle man!

It's his beginning, his first day, of being a two year old. He couldn't be any sweeter.

It's the beginning of something else; it is a Day 1 for me. It begins again.

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Sunday school class, a very Godly man shared this verse, Lamentations 3:19-26.

¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
²⁰ I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

²⁵ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
²⁶ it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

This passage of scripture brought tears to my eyes (which is actually a rare thing for me, most of the time). I still remember the bitter taste of the last two times, the feeling of being utterly lost. This scripture captures those feelings perfectly. I love that this psalmist turns his downcast face to the ray of hope. God's compassions are new every morning; we shall not be consumed. And we were not consumed. And that gives me hope. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. Girl, lift up your face... salvation is coming. I don't know what it looks like but I know it is coming.

So, after the shock (well, how shocked can I be, really, after all this time) that today is indeed Day 1, I called IRH. I have a blood draw scheduled for Wednesday, and then I begin the long protocol (bcps, oh how I hate those things - so counter-intuitive to be taking them during an attempt to get pregnant... lol). Last time we tried the short protocol and it was a pretty dismal failure. So, my RE is going back to what's worked in the past. Of course, I remember him saying that the short protocol was better, less suppressive. Oh, I pray we are on the right track here. Trust, girl, trust. God's hand is in this. He knows what He's doing.

I know my TOH girls read here regularly. Let me just say that your love and support are so greatly needed and deeply appreciated. I had given the link to some other friends and family but I think they have all stopped reading. If they are still reading, I thank them and I love them. This is all strictly on the down low right now; not many people know. We may end up telling more people or we may not. Telling people is so difficult and we've had some cases of some not being supportive and that has left us wounded and confused. We get it, though. We know that many cannot relate or just don't know what to say to us. It's just that with going through so much, we simply choose not to deal with that. One thing I've learned is that no matter how well meaning someone is, the wrong word (or even the right word) at the wrong time can hurt deeply. If you are reading, I ask that you pray for us. Pray for God's mighty hand to be over us.

Well, I reckon that's enough for tonight. Love to you all...

Lift Up Your Face - lyrics

You have fallen so far now

You don’t even know how, you are going to survive

(But) Just above the horizon

A new light is shining, breaking through the darkest night

Love is coming and it’s calling out your name

Lift up your face, lift up your face

Salvation is calling, salvation is calling

Lift up your face, lift up your face

Salvation is calling, salvation is calling your name

You feel like your life is fading

You’re tired of waiting, for your moment to arrive

But tomorrow will bring a song that you can sing

And your hope is gonna rise

Love is coming and it’s calling out your name

Lift up your face, lift up your face

Salvation is calling, salvation is calling

Nothing In Particular

Life has been a whirlwind lately. September roared in with lots of new activities for Michael and I. Our lazy summer days of trying to come up with something to do have been replaced by MOPS and Bible study and a membership at the Y and more hours at my part time job.

I honestly can't tell you where my head is these days. Most days are great and I spend them happily. There are still days where I feel like a cargo ship carrying nothing but my thoughts with no port in sight. I think about trying again a lot. I eat nothing and exercise constantly in hopes of making myself a better home should God choose to put another child there. I talk to a lot of friends about a lot of things, but rarely this. I wonder if I'll have the guts to do IVF again. The guts to even tell anyone we're doing it.

That stupid song "No Matter What, I'm Gonna Love You" that I heard for the first time as I drove home from my failed pregnancy test still is on the radio way too often. Its words are true but they irritate me. I'm not alone in this; I thought Jason was going to rip the knob off the radio a few weeks ago. I can't remember which song did it to him, but the look on his face let me know it was the same deal.

I've been studying Beth Moore's Breaking Free lately. It has given me a lot to think about and it's been good for me. It helps me put things in perspective. It reminds me Who God is. And how He loves me. I need that.

The diet is going. Last weigh in said I'd lost 21 pounds. So, technically I can go tell my RE that "hah" I did what he asked. I am not quite done though - want to get to 30 or more. Feeling pretty good - getting lots of compliments from J - that's such a good feeling and I feel pretty good in general. The DHEA I'm taking is supposed to be good for that too.

Well, it's late and I had nothing in particular to write tonight, so I'll end here. If there is anyone out there still reading this, I thank you for caring enough to read it!!!

Five Years Ago

Yesterday marked the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Although I had long since moved away from "home", the pummeling my hometown and surrounding area took was heart-breaking for me on many levels. I had family members and friends lose all they had as their homes washed away. I still look for the familiar landmarks whenever I visit, and they are just not there... forever gone. The distance I live from "home" has kept me from accepting that things just won't ever be the same down there. My friends and family though are intrepid and they carry on. A little worse for the wear, but with the bravest hearts I know.

Katrina also marks another anniversary for my husband and me. It was on that same week that we packed up and headed out for a romantic stay at bed and breakfast. The kickoff of officially "trying" for a baby. I remember being so conflicted, wanting to enjoy our beautiful surroundings yet tightly gripping my cell phone, waiting for calls from the people I love to tell my they'd survived.

And they did survive; and so have we. Five years of infertility can wear you out. We've spent 5 of our of our 7 1/2 years together counting days. We are so blessed though. A beautiful little boy and 2 angels in heaven to meet someday (well, actually more than 2 as we believe every embryo we've ever transferred was a life). I wouldn't trade any of it! It's all been worth it!

In current events, I have been on my diet for 4 weeks now and have lost 14.5 pounds. So, I press on! We have booked a week in Williamsburg for a little family vacation in late October, and I'm thrilled about it!

Eat, Pray, Love

Yes, I am still here. I haven't forgotten my blog. I've just been too busy to write. Busy doing what, you may ask. Cooking and exercising. Exercising and cooking. Doing dishes. Doing dishes. Doing more dishes. That's the South Beach Diet for you... lots of cooking and dishes! The up side is that I feel great and have lost 10 pounds during the 2 weeks of Phase I. Yay! I got to have my first good carb yesterday. I was so excited about my bowl of shredded wheat. It wasn't all that and it made me insanely hungry, all day! So, I think I'll try a slice of whole grain bread tomorrow and see how that goes. :)

I also was away this weekend. I went to the Beth Moore conference down in Lexington. Pure 100% awesomeness! The theme of her teaching was Eat, Pray, Love. Very appropriate for many reasons! For one, it was the same night the movie opened, but her points were far different from the book or movie. Two, I've been thinking a lot about all three of those subjects lately (especially eating, isn't that always how it is when you're on a diet?). The teaching was out of the book of Jeremiah.
I'll try to write more about it later.