July 25th

Okay, so maybe being alone isn't good for me... I think too much but at least I haven't broken any pill bottles today. I couldn't paste on a smile for church today. I knew worship would reduce me to a puddle of tears.

Today is July 25th. I woke up to find my body is doing what it's supposed to do after a failed cycle, but it was like a final nail in the coffin for this embryo. No more irrational fantasies that maybe they were wrong. Not only that, had our twins lived, this would have been our due date. Instead of delivering beautiful babies, I am trying to pick up the pieces of a failed cycle. It's not fair. We were never promised fair. It still sucks though.

I've been working on my long list of questions for my doctor when I see him Tuesday. What else is there to say? All I can say is that I love my husband and I love my son. That's the good I am holding on to. God is with me, I know. I don't feel or hear him, but I know He's got to be there. Right?

5:17 a.m.

I've learned several things over the last 24 hours...

1. This is not just a nightmare I can't wake up from; it's real.

2. When I finally was alone (J and M went out for ice cream), I learned that if you throw a bottle of Prometrium really hard, it takes about 15 really good throws before it bursts open and that if you scream your most agonizing blood curdling scream, you can only get out about 3 good ones before your throat gives out.

3. People say goofy stuff when they don't know what to say. I'll give you this tip, never begin a statement with "At least..." when someone is hurting.

4. If I'd just given up when it got rough before, we wouldn't have our Michael. Please don't tell me to give me up. It makes it worse. I don't know what comes next. But please don't tell me to give up.

5. The nausea which I didn't tell hardly anyone about (but it had me convinced we were going to get a positive) hasn't gone away yet. I see my doctor on Tuesday afternoon... God, give me wisdom and strength.

6. I can't sleep.

7. I keep supposing that there is some Godly, mature way to respond to this, but I haven't figured it out yet.

8. Bad things are happening everywhere. There was this girl who I've been mentoring that had an unwanted pregnancy. She'd asked us if we'd consider adopting the baby. We told her that she needed to take time to figure things out but if later on she was sure that's what she wanted, we would prayerfully consider it. Then she almost had an abortion. We prayed so hard she wouldn't abort that baby and talked to her a lot about it. She decided to continue the pregnancy. Then I found out Thursday night she lost it. Somewhere deep in my heart, I knew this was a bad sign for us. I thought God had a reason for placing me in the situation of dealing with someone who was considering abortion. I thought I was seeing God work out something amazing, in spite of the discomfort the situation caused me. And now I don't see His hand there. I know it is, but I don't understand the point of the exercise, you know?

9. I want so badly to curl up inside myself and never come out. I won't do that. I have the bestest little boy and husband in the world to take care of. No matter how bad I hurt, they are my priority.

10. I heard a stupid song yesterday on the way home from IRH. I, again, knew this was a bad sign... I know this is how I'm supposed to pray but it hurts so much right now...


I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why,



No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.



When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,



No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.



Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You



No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what

Bad News

It was negative.

Beta hCG Test Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go for my blood test. It's a very simple blood draw and then I go home and wait for the phone call. With Michael, it came minutes after I got home and with my last pregnancy, it took them all day to call. So, tomorrow will probably be a long day. I am hopeful but cautious. I keep thinking of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and how they believed God would save them from the fiery furnace. I also think about them saying that if He chose not to save them, they would never stop believing Him. My prayer is that no matter the outcome, I will find my rest in Him and that no matter what, my faith will continue to be strengthened.

I love the song Broken by Lifehouse. I heard it for the first time the night I found out I would lose the twins. The pain in the song was so reflective of how I felt. But, if you listen to all the lyrics, the song is also hopeful. I heard it yesterday and this part resonated with me:

In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay

So, until tomorrow....

Rainbow

We saw a rainbow on our way home tonight. It touched my heart. Babies who come after miscarriages are often called "rainbow babies" because they are the beautiful rainbow after the dark storm of loss. I wonder if our "Little Sweetheart" will be our "rainbow"...

It's been a rough day and I feel empty and scared. This week is going by slowly. God, I need you so much. I'm so tired.

Past the half way mark of the two week wait

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls. But, pass it does. Even for me.

The past week was busy, and busy was good, and even fun. It's good to be distracted. We keep praying for her... for every cell division.

Lots on my mind tonight. My 20 year high school reunion is going on as I type, several hundred miles away. I hadn't planned to make the trip for obvious reasons, and I didn't really enjoy my 10 year reunion that much. Don't get me wrong, I went to school with some really wonderful people. It's just been so long and my life is so different now (and I am in touch with the really special friends). It is nostalgic though to remember... who I was... not even a Christian then... just the smart girl that rode horses instead of chasing boys (well, okay there was one or two but I wasn't in any danger of catching them and for that I am so thankful).

Things with my dad are getting worse. He's back in the hospital and it doesn't look too good. He's trying to make his peace with everyone; he doesn't believe he'll come home this time. We talked more about his salvation and we did get into some detail. He said the right words and I pray that the heart matches. I was talking to my sister today about all this... I feel like I should feel much more than I do about this... it's so hard to conjure up any feelings. Have I just been through too much loss to feel it any more or am I harboring grudges from his past hurts (far too many to enumerate)? Is it the distance or the fact that he hasn't been much of a part of my life the last 10 years? Or is it God giving me a peace? I tend to think it's the Lord because whatever has me in this place is far beyond my understanding.

So, I'm here still. Hanging on to Scriptures and praying for my "little sweetheart". I love her so much already...

I really don't have much to write today, and I am counting that as a blessing. God has quieted my heart, at least for yesterday and today. The big "God thing" that I've been pondering is that He is unchanging. Despite whether our prayers are answered the way we hope or not, He is still the same God.

It's been a week since retrieval already. My next appointment is Friday, July 23rd at 9:45am. All it will be is a blood draw for a pregnancy test. So, like 9 more days to go. We continue to pray and love on our "Little Sweetheart". Jason has the tenderest heart for her already...

I just want to take a moment to say thanks to those of you who keep checking on me. I am blessed, and I love yall.

The Two Week Wait

We are officially in the two week wait. There are several things on my mind today and nothing to be done about any of them but to rely on and trust God.

Today would have been my mom's birthday. She died in 2003. I miss her and even more than I miss her I miss the promise of her - the mother-daughter bliss that I always wished for with her. She lost her father at a very young age. She never got over it and it prevented her from really embracing life and led to a lot of other stuff. Life with my mom could be really fun at times, but there were a lot of sad, angry moments, and they put all of us a distance from her. No one could penetrate the wall she had. I smile when I picture her in heaven; I know she's happy and whole there.

Also on my mind is my father. He's been very ill and lives far away in England. He's pretty scared he'd dying and so he tried to plan his funeral with me yesterday over the phone. He has a flair for the dramatic, but that was a bit more than I could take. He is very sick and so we could lose him soon, and he's also very much an attention hound, so I know some of it is a manipulation for attention. When did the roles change? When was I ever the child and they the parents? I asked him whether or not he is saved. I think that startled him. He says he is saved. Only he and he Lord know for sure. If he's not, pray that our conversation made him think.

I'm wrestling with yesterday's sermon at church. Our pastor preached on turning fear into faith. He said that the "exhale" (the release from all the worry and stress) comes when you want God's plan for your life more than you want your own dreams. It reminds me of the song by Barlow Girl titled Surrender.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hands; can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.

Say you have a plan for me,
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.

Sometimes I don't know what's from Him and what's from me and what is to be fought for and what is to be surrendered. I know the answer is to rest in Him and let Him show me, but I'm so agitated. It's hard to be still before Him.

My Little Sweetheart. She's in there fighting, I hope. No, not only hope. I trust she is fighting. Jason and I are vacillating between crazy strong hope and hopelessness. This child is from the Lord, that is for sure. Her life will be to His glory, with no room for the glory of man.

I had a difficult conversation with an old friend today. I've walked many miles with her, but she doesn't understand this. She basically told me to get over myself and go serve some homeless people. It made me angry. I was already angry. Angry at infertility, angry at my doctor, angry at myself. Angry at the people who haven't been supportive.

God, help me walk this broken road. I know I'm a mess and I'm floundering and I'm failing You. Thank you for the supportive people that I do have in my life. I cannot even begin to count my blessings. I am pathetic looking clay. Please make something out of me.

Transfer Day

Transfer went very smoothly. Dr. Scheiber showed us on the ultrasound exactly where he placed our little sweetheart. Dr. Scheiber and the nurse I had today were very encouraging and told us to think positive (to be honest, I wondered if they were really thinking that this is impossible, but then again I don't care; all that matters is what God plans). I know that the odds are not necessarily in our favor, but I love this little one and I trust God to make of her life all the He wills. I've been fond of every single embryo we've every transferred over the course of these 3 IVF cycles, but I have a special attachment to this one. She is a fighter, like me. May neither on of us ever give up!

Thank you so much for praying along as we've gone through this cycle. I ask that you continue to pray fervently.

This song is my prayer for our little sweetheart. I pray that she lives to fall in love with Jesus.

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Transfer Tomorrow

Of the 2 eggs retrieved, one was mature and the lab performed ICSI on it. It did fertilize, so we are scheduled to transfer 1 sweet little embryo tomorrow. We are calling "her" our little sweetheart. The other egg was not quite mature. The nurse mentioned they were "watching it" (I'm not sure if they are watching to see if it matures in culture or if they tried to fertilize it the traditional way but they really don't hold out hope for it to do anything).

Transfer is scheduled for 7:45 a.m. tomorrow with Dr. Scheiber. Please pray for our little sweetheart. God is "her" creator and He can bring her all the way through if He wills it. Let us hope and pray that the phrase, "It only takes one," applies to this case.

Yesterday was beyond nightmarish and it is difficult not to assign blame. I won't go into the details here because they are so raw and painful. Jason and I were talking earlier and we are choosing to walk forward and focus all our energy on praying for our little sweetheart. Pray for me in this, as it is a challenge.

Please pray with us. We are meditating on this verse:

"The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer." (Psalm 6:9 OYB)

and this song is what's in my head (Your Hands by JJ Heller):

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

Thanks for praying for us. I know that we'll never be able to say thank you enough.

ER Day

Retrieval did not go as we hoped. Dr. A was only able to get 2 eggs. Please pray. We'll find out tomorrow if we will have any embryos to transfer on Friday.

Day 12.

No more shots for me! Had the last 2 last night! Today there is nothing to swallow, inject, or otherwise put in my body. I think I will use the extra time tonight to bake brownies for the staff at IRH to say thank you for all the great care we've been receiving. They really go above and beyond and I am thankful that God orchestrated that they would be our doctors. Yesterday, quite frankly, was a bad, bad hormone day. Today I feel much lighter and I even have a surge of energy. Today is all about enjoying my sweet toddler son and preparing our home for tomorrow. I'm going down the list the nurses gave me, with a few additions of my own. Shots, check. Babysitter lined up, check. Chick films ready to be watched as I lie on the couch tomorrow, check. A couple of new, fun toys for Michael to play with tomorrow, check. Unmentionable doctor's order, check (seriously, there are things that doctor's really shouldn't be able to tell us to do at specific times that I'm not going to even discuss), Happy Pill (aka Valium) in purse to take on the way to the doctor's office, check. Cat, check... wait, no, scratch that.

We are to be there at 6:45 a.m., yes I said a.m. I get no breakfast, not even water, and definitely no coffee *sigh*. Our babysitter will be here at 5:45 a.m. I love her. My big dilemma is whether to get Michael up that early or to let him sleep and wake up to the sitter.... hummm.... I'll probably get him up, I've gotta see that beautiful smile before I go. I don't want to sound morbid, because it's going to be just fine, but if God forbid something happens to me, my biggest fear is that Michael may someday wonder if his mommy loved him. I made Jason promise me that no matter what, he'd tell him everyday if for any reason I can't. I will be fine; I know that. But, it's a surgery, so, I just had to make sure that was taken care of.

On the way down to IRH (it's a 45 minute drive with traffic) I get a Valium at 6:15. I was talking with a dear friend today that has been through this whole thing and I was happy to find out that she, too, really looked forward to the Happy Pill. I was feeling a little guilty about that. It really does nothing but relax you; oh, but I need to relax. I remember my first IVF, I just became totally bubbly and happy. I remember Dr. A chuckling at me and saying, yep, she's good. When we get there, I will change into my lovely hospital gown and Jason will tuck me in bed. Then comes the IV. I am seriously concerned about the IV. I'm a difficult stick and they had trouble just drawing blood at my last appointment. I'm praying that I get a really good nurse (I told them a need a really good vampire). After they get the IV going, they wheel you into the ER suite. It's a very sterile, empty feeling room similar to a surgery suite. Our clinic has clouds painted on the ceiling so you can pretend you're somewhere else. And there are the loud fans you usually have in a surgery suite. They also play music but after a little while I can't hear it anymore. They use what they call moderate sedation. It is a very deep state of relaxation and again, I'm ashamed to say, I'm looking forward to my little mini-vacation from reality. You are kind of awake but time has no meaning, and you don't feel a whole lot. I've heard some women remember pain, but I haven't ever remembered that. I remember last IVF, I tried to pick up my head to say hi to Dr. A when he came in and I felt like my head weighed a million pounds.

Then they do the retrieval. I don't know how long it takes; it never seems long. Jason doesn't get to come with me, but he'll have his own stuff to take care of. Afterward, Jason will come find me in recovery, and I'll chill out there for an hour or so. Dr. A usually comes by to tell us what he got, and the lab begins their work. More on that later. Then, we go home and I spend the day as a couch potato and begin an insane regimen of medications (thankfully, none are injectables). Oh, and I forgot to mention breakfast from Cracker Barrel. Jason always gets take-out for me on the way home... pecan pancakes :P

These are what follicles look like; my doctor will be suctioning the eggs out of mine tomorrow.

This is a picture of the room where my procedure will be. That's my doctor and a few of the nurses (the one in the foreground is my favorite nurse, but she's not working tomorrow, bummer). This is an older photo; most of the equipment in the room is more modern looking than in this photo, but that's generally what I'll be looking like tomorrow.

Day 11.

Trust. That's the word I heard in the early morning hours when all was quiet. I thanked God for the precious gift of that Word. I wondered if He meant that I needed to trust Him or was there someone or something else I was supposed to trust. After a bumpy, hormonal morning where nothing seems to come easy, I'm thinking He means to trust Him. People make me crazy sometimes; really, they do. If I'm teaching someone how to do an algebra problem, I can be the most patient and understanding of teachers. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am so easily hurt, doubly so with all these hormones pumping through my body. The only exceptions to this rule are Jason and Michael; as Martha Stewart would say, that's a good thing :) I often make the mistake of looking to the world for comfort and love when it's Christ that I need to run to. How many times do I have to learn this lesson? Tenth Avenue North says it beautifully...

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Why do we try to earn what cannot be earned? Why do we compare our road to another person's road? In moments of clarity, I am thankful for my broken road, for it has led me to Michael and to Jason. Of course, there are moments when I am so mad that I am not "normal". Nope not normal, never have been, never will be. Never. But, God blesses my broken road.

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I was re-reading the post I put up yesterday, and it dawned on me that most people have no earthly clue what all the IVF techno-babble means. I've been living in this fishbowl for so long that it all seems rather obvious. I am going to shamelessly copy a few paragraphs and pictures from IRH's website to explain a little better (IRH is the IVF clinic we go to). Yes, the teacher-geek in me is coming out.

In its simplest term, IVF is simply the uniting of egg and sperm in vitro (in the lab). Subsequently the embryos are transferred into the uterus through the cervix and pregnancy is allowed to begin. A typical IVF cycle begins with shutting down the ovaries. The next phase involves stimulation of the ovaries with potent ovulation medications to stimulate the development of several eggs. These injections are given for approximately 10 days. When the eggs are ready for harvesting, a final step is to give hCG to induce final maturation. The eggs are then harvested by a process called ultrasound guided vaginal retrieval. Under moderate sedation, and with ultrasound guidance, a thin needle is passed a short distance into the ovaries and the eggs are suctioned from the follicles. Typically 5-15 eggs are collected. Then sperm are released into the petri dish to fertilize the egg. If the sperm will not fertilize the eggs naturally we can perform intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). This procedure involves injecting one sperm directly into the egg.



Below is a mature egg. The red arrow points to the polar body; that's the indication that the egg is mature enough to fertilize. We are praying for as many of these as possible.

This next photo shows a single sperm being injected into an egg during ICSI. Our eggs will be undergoing ICSI as well as assisted hatching (due to my age). After 35, eggs are assumed to be tougher and to need the extra help hatching after fertilization.

These are embryos 3 days after fertilization. This is what we are hoping to see. My last 2 IVF cycles, we have done day-2 transfers. We may also do a day-2 transfer this time. It all depends on the number of embryos we have.

The science of it all is so beautiful; totally shows how awesome God is. Only He could create us this way, and only He could give us the knowledge to understand enough to be able to attempt to overcome infertility.

Well, I'd say that's enough for today. I take my Ovidrel (hCG) tonight at 8. We'll be praying for all the little eggs to mature in time for the procedure on Wednesday.

Day 10.

Happy 4th of July everyone! I pray that yall all have a blessed day! We took Michael to a local festival yesterday and we had such a great time. He got to go to the petting zoo and to play on a bunch of toddler-sized inflatables. Last night, Jason and I sat out on our deck and watched several fireworks shows. It was so nice. Today we are planning on trying out J's new ice cream maker (his Father's Day gift).

The Technical: I had an appointment this morning with Dr. S. They took more blood (they took it out of my hand today - ouch!). They also did an ultrasound. I have about 6 that are large enough to be contenders. The leader is 19, then there are some 15s, and a 14 and a 13. Lining was looking good at 12. Dr. S said the 19 is getting a little on the large side, so we can't stim too much longer. He hopes they will all be mature for retrieval but he warned me one or two might not quite get there. So, the plan is for me to stim + ganirelix tonight and then induce ovulation with Ovidrel tomorrow night. So, only 4 more injections at home! Egg retrieval surgery is scheduled Wednesday morning (with Dr. A, he'll be back in the office) - very, very, very early. Praying that my babysitter can be convinced to be up at 6 am... I plan to bribe her with caramel frappacinos...

I wish we had more to work with, but we've worked with this scenario before and God is in control. It only takes one. As I was going over all my instructions and paperwork (more on that tomorrow), the calendar day that said "Pregnancy Test" took my breath away when I saw it. Stick me with needles, do surgery on me, whatever... I can cope. Pregnancy tests are scary to me.

Jason is excited. My nurse was very excited. I'm trying to get excited. I'm numb. I'm thinking a good cry is in my future. Too many emotions and hormones and no outlet. I tried to pose with Michael for some photos this morning because we were both dressed in our red, white, and blue. They turned out HORRIBLE. I look HORRIBLE; Michael is adorable of course.

I can't finish up this post without mentioning a dear friend who had a devastating loss yesterday, her 19 week old son. You are in my prayers, my sweet sister in Christ! My heart is so heavy for you. You are much loved, and I wish I could do more for you.

One more thing to add, the lyrics to Selah's Press On

When the mountain is steep
when the valley is deep
when the body is weary
when we stumble and fall
When the choices are hard
when we're battered and scarred
when we've spent our resource
when we've given our all
In Jesus' name we press on
In Jesus' name we press on
dear lord, with the prize
clear before our eyes
we find the strength to press on

Day 9.

Today was a work day for me. I had 2 ACT students this morning and both of them were working on grammar today. You know, schools really need to bring back formal grammar courses. Most of my students can't even spell grammar...

I am feeling quite "full" today; I feel like a chicken that needs to lay some eggs. I'm glad I'm scheduled to start my Ganirelix shots tonight (Ganirelix prevents you from ovulating too soon). Double shots for me from now on! I see Dr. S tomorrow at 9:15. Hopefully the ultrasound will be good and I'll find out when ER (egg retrieval surgery) will be.

I heard a song this morning that I wanted to include the lyrics to... can't think of it for the life of me... oh, yeah, now I remember... Legacy by Nichole Nordeman...

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

My prayer today is this... Lord, you know your plans for me and I do not. Help me walk this road according to your will and to receive you as the center of my life. Help me make You central to all that I say and do. Hold me, Lord. I need you so much.

Day 8,

Inspire. I love that word. And I love these beautiful flowers that one of my very special students brought me for helping her prep for her ACT. She also happens to be Michael's favorite baby sitter and I am so thankful for her!

The Technical: Continuing on with the 4-3-4-3 pattern of injections. We had a little bit of a humorous moment last night. Jason was chatting away on the phone and it was getting to be time for my injection. He comes walking toward me with a loaded syringe and I'm like, "Oh nooo... you tell your friend to hold on while you are sticking me with that!". We both died laughing. Guess we are getting a little too comfortable with needles! I'm feeling decent - bloated for sure. If I could just get my sinuses to clear up, I'd be great!

The Rest of the Story: There's been a scripture in my mind today. It's Proverbs 3:5-6. A friend on Facebook posted it, and it really resonated with me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

It would be easy to get caught up in all the numbers... percentage rates and FSH levels and numbers of eggs and on and on... especially easy for me because with my background I can get really caught up in the technical aspect of it all. But, I feel like if I worry about those numbers too much, I will cease to walk by faith. And so of course, this song is in my head:

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

I pray God will help we walk by faith through this valley. That's all until tomorrow...

Day 7.

The Technical: Today I had an appointment at IRH. Dr A. is out of town so I saw Dr. S. It was a good appointment. They took another tube of blood, and I had an ultrasound. Dr. S said things are looking good for where we are in the cycle. The lining is at 10 and the lead follicle is at 15, with a bunch of 10s behind it. I'm not sure if this new protocol is going to yield more eggs... but we shall see. I'm not going to have enough Menopur, so I ordered 10 more vials today. Hope I'll have enough Ganirelix. We'd ordered very conservatively because I've had lots of leftovers in the past. I'm thinking I'll definitely be stimming longer this time. Dr. S. estimated middle of next week for retrieval. My next appointment is Sunday morning, on the holiday no less... my doctors are so dedicated and I so appreciate that. Jason and Michael may go with me, but I may send them to church instead.

The Emotional: I'm just plain old tired today. Feeling the edges of a headache... need to keep hydrating. Missing my friends from NOLA today. Just wish I had somebody to give me a big 'ole hug. I find a constant paradox in my mind... on one hand I so want people to know what's going on and then on the other I want to keep every bit of it private. I find that to be true of me in general though. Have you ever desired to be truly known by the people in your life, yet also desiring to be this "other"... to look like the ideal that you hope God is turning you into? Afraid to be seen, yet so needing people to see me for who I am and to love me for it. I am so blessed to have a husband that does know me inside out and he loves me for it. So does Jesus. That is enough, I know that. Yet, I feel like I'm supposed to have purpose, to bear witness to someone about something... Too big for me to wrestle with at this moment. Little Man is napping and the couch is beckoning me...

Until tomorrow.... I'm still hanging on... another day :)

Day 6.

There's nothing to suck the air out of your balloon like the bill from the RE arriving. Why does IVF have to be so dang expensive and why do so few insurance companies cover it? Oh, well, never mind... God is our provider. He knows our situation and He will provide for us. Can't let the money scare me.

Super-duper tired today. Had a great time with some dear girlfriends last night! I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends. Thank you for loving me and supporting me.

Not much else today... not so much twinging today but just feeling like my abdomen is full... hopefully full of some nice looking follicles! Here are some more inspirational lyrics I heard on the radio last night.

We lose our way,
We get back up again
It's never too late to get back up again,
One day you will shine again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever,
Lose our way,
We get back up again,
So get up, get up,
You gonna shine again,
Never too late to get back up again,
You may be knocked down,
But not out forever

UPDATE ****

Just got off the phone with IRH!!! I asked if we could use the 2009 prices instead of the higher 2010 prices and the finance person said yes! God is so good!!! See, He is providing!!! This saves us ~$800!!! Thanks Father God!!!

Day 5.

Two shots down, and .... a lot more... to go :) I have to give a shout out to my husband. He is so amazing! Best darn shot giver in the world! The fun thing about Menopur is that it comes as a powder in teeny tiny little vials (Did I mention expensive? Oh, so very expensive!). It has to be reconstituted with NaCl solution and this often requires working with multiple vials. J is a pro - he handles it beautifully!

I feel it working... I feel it...

God gives me songs on the radio almost every day. I have a hard time sitting still long enough to always hear Him the way I need to - especially with Michael being so active these days. So, He sends me songs. Today He sent me the song Unwritten. I love this song - it gives me so much energy!

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Our lives can be so much more than they often are! We've gotta go for it! It may not turn out the way we plan, but I'm gonna live every moment! God's got a plan... I don't understand it, but I'm gonna live it... LOUD!!!!!!!!! I know I seem mousy and quiet a lot of the time, but I have to tell you, I'm a little wild on the inside ;)

Sunset last night... another gift :)

Day 4.

For fun last Thursday, a dear friend and I went to get pedicures. I've never had flowers drawn on my toes before, but I figured, what the heck! With all the "stirrup time" I have coming up, might as well have something that's uniquely me!

The Technical: The first injection last night went just fine. I did 300 units of Menopur on the right. Tonight will be 225. Dr. Awadalla has me on a seesaw pattern, so I'll continue to alternate those doses as well as alternating sides/sites. I had a small injection site reaction but it wasn't too bad, just some heat and redness. I was amazed how quickly my body responded and I've been feeling twinges all day. They don't hurt - they just let me know the medicine is revving up my ovaries.

The Emotional: I'm feeling good today. I've been thinking about a lot of different things. My old pastor (from New Orleans) posted this verse on his Facebook status this morning:

“Don't put your confidence in powerful people; there is no help for you there. When their breathing stops, they return to the earth, and in a moment all their plans come to an end. But happy are those who have God as their helper, whose hope is in the LORD their God. He is the one who made heaven and earth, the sea,... and everything in them. He is the one who keeps every promise forever.” (Psalm 146:3-6 OYB)

This really reminded me that although having people praying for us is vital, our hope has to be in God, not in somehow earning his favor. I know we all tend to think that if we do everything right, God will bless us. It doesn't work that way. I think I tend to do this so that I feel like I have some control over the outcome. But, I don't have any control. It's all in His hands. I still don't understand how God decides who gets to be pregnant and who gets to keep their babies. I never will. But, I know the One Who does. That has to be enough.

A little happy that Michael and Jason brought home for me yesterday! I am so blessed...

Day 3.

Well, tonight we open the box and start the injectable medications. We try to do them at the same time every night, so 9pm usually works best... Michael's in bed and we have time to focus. I'm really lucky that Jason sort of likes to give me the shots. It gives him an opportunity to be part of the process. I can give them to myself if I have to, but it takes me a while to work up the nerve. Something about sticking a needle (even a small one) into your stomach is just unsettling.

It's been an unusually quiet Sunday for us... lots of naps and relaxing and I think it's been perfect to settle our hearts. I know my heart will flutter with that first shot... it is always a big reality check. Yep, we're really doing this!

Day 2.

Today, I returned to IRH for my first appointment of this round. It's always bittersweet to walk through those doors. Sweet because of the hope of another baby. Bitter that I have to be there at all... especially this time.

The Technical: They drew blood to test my FSH levels (FSH = follicle stimulating hormone). That's the magic number they watch throughout the cycle to see how your ovaries are doing. Then Dr. Scheiber did a baseline ultrasound. All was quiet with the exception of the remains of a follicle from last cycle. He said I was good to start the short protocol and so my first injection of Menopur (FSH + LH) will be tomorrow (Sunday) night. I'll do injections Sun, Mon, Tues, and Wednesday and then return Thursday morning for another ultrasound.

The Emotional: I had mixed feelings when I realized Dr. Scheiber would be seeing me today, as he is not my primary doctor. Both doctors are excellent, but there's something about your primary... you feel like he is the expert on your body. It's pretty pathetic that I've been there so often, I recognize which doctor's car is in the reserved parking spot up front. I have to say though, the man was so nice to me today. He must have taken a moment to look at my chart before he saw me. He was so kind and encouraging, and I so appreciate that.

Jason and I spent a lot of time talking and praying about this last night. It's been really hard to figure out who to even ask to pray for us. It's like we are afraid to ask... it's hard to put yourself out there again in front of the world when it may all fall apart... again. It's so hard to show how hurt I am... I'll always tell you I'm about 10 times better than I am.

FEAR... that is the key word that pops up again and again and again. It's interesting how people respond to fear. Some are like horses... they run forward, backward, sideways, whatever... just keep forward motion and the bad stuff can't get you. Others are like deer; they freeze... utterly paralyzed. If what's after me can't detect me, I'll be safe. Both are the protective mechanisms God gave them. One isn't better than the other, but they are very different and can make for some long conversations about how to move forward. We know fear isn't of the Lord. I know Scripture says, "Do not fear." Well, I am not going to pretend I've mastered not feeling fear. I am just going to keep laying it at Jesus' feet.

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
—Isaiah 43:1-2

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”

—Isaiah 41:10,13

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
—Psalm 46:1-2

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

—1 John 4:18

Day 1.

Here we are at the beginning of our 3rd IVF cycle!

The Technical: Drugs ordered and on standby. I called this morning and made an appointment for tomorrow. They will draw blood and do a baseline ultrasound scan. If the ovaries are quiet, I will begin the stimulation injections probably on Sunday. This is a new protocol for me. In the past, there has been a down-regulation of the ovaries first (they do this so that all the follicles are kind of starting growth from the same place). The hope is that by avoiding that step (in my case, since my ovaries tend to be pretty quiet at the beginning anyway), we may be able to retrieve more eggs. The change in protocol does make me a bit nervous, but I trust in the wisdom God has given my doctors. Anyway, we'll see what it looks like tomorrow - that will determine which protocol they use. I've also been concerned about going into this as I'm getting over a very nasty cold. The nurse assured me today that it's fine, so that does comfort me.

The Emotional: **Deep breath** Not sure... excited, scared, dizzy, so much to think about and no time to think. I don't feel scared about the process... I mean it's old news to us by this point. It's the unknown that scares me. The what if doesn't work this time and what if it works but we lose another baby? Why are we doing this???

...and then... I look at my angel Michael... and I know it's worth every agonizing moment of uncertainty. I've been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay lately. It's old-school, I know, but it's raw and emotional and so where I am right now. These lyrics from the song Much Afraid really resonate in my heart right now. So, here they are... they say it better than I can...

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again

So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

All of these things
I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go


So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on to where I've never been before