Friday, September 24, 2010

Nothing In Particular

Life has been a whirlwind lately. September roared in with lots of new activities for Michael and I. Our lazy summer days of trying to come up with something to do have been replaced by MOPS and Bible study and a membership at the Y and more hours at my part time job.

I honestly can't tell you where my head is these days. Most days are great and I spend them happily. There are still days where I feel like a cargo ship carrying nothing but my thoughts with no port in sight. I think about trying again a lot. I eat nothing and exercise constantly in hopes of making myself a better home should God choose to put another child there. I talk to a lot of friends about a lot of things, but rarely this. I wonder if I'll have the guts to do IVF again. The guts to even tell anyone we're doing it.

That stupid song "No Matter What, I'm Gonna Love You" that I heard for the first time as I drove home from my failed pregnancy test still is on the radio way too often. Its words are true but they irritate me. I'm not alone in this; I thought Jason was going to rip the knob off the radio a few weeks ago. I can't remember which song did it to him, but the look on his face let me know it was the same deal.

I've been studying Beth Moore's Breaking Free lately. It has given me a lot to think about and it's been good for me. It helps me put things in perspective. It reminds me Who God is. And how He loves me. I need that.

The diet is going. Last weigh in said I'd lost 21 pounds. So, technically I can go tell my RE that "hah" I did what he asked. I am not quite done though - want to get to 30 or more. Feeling pretty good - getting lots of compliments from J - that's such a good feeling and I feel pretty good in general. The DHEA I'm taking is supposed to be good for that too.

Well, it's late and I had nothing in particular to write tonight, so I'll end here. If there is anyone out there still reading this, I thank you for caring enough to read it!!!