Monday, August 30, 2010

Five Years Ago

Yesterday marked the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Although I had long since moved away from "home", the pummeling my hometown and surrounding area took was heart-breaking for me on many levels. I had family members and friends lose all they had as their homes washed away. I still look for the familiar landmarks whenever I visit, and they are just not there... forever gone. The distance I live from "home" has kept me from accepting that things just won't ever be the same down there. My friends and family though are intrepid and they carry on. A little worse for the wear, but with the bravest hearts I know.

Katrina also marks another anniversary for my husband and me. It was on that same week that we packed up and headed out for a romantic stay at bed and breakfast. The kickoff of officially "trying" for a baby. I remember being so conflicted, wanting to enjoy our beautiful surroundings yet tightly gripping my cell phone, waiting for calls from the people I love to tell my they'd survived.

And they did survive; and so have we. Five years of infertility can wear you out. We've spent 5 of our of our 7 1/2 years together counting days. We are so blessed though. A beautiful little boy and 2 angels in heaven to meet someday (well, actually more than 2 as we believe every embryo we've ever transferred was a life). I wouldn't trade any of it! It's all been worth it!

In current events, I have been on my diet for 4 weeks now and have lost 14.5 pounds. So, I press on! We have booked a week in Williamsburg for a little family vacation in late October, and I'm thrilled about it!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love

Yes, I am still here. I haven't forgotten my blog. I've just been too busy to write. Busy doing what, you may ask. Cooking and exercising. Exercising and cooking. Doing dishes. Doing dishes. Doing more dishes. That's the South Beach Diet for you... lots of cooking and dishes! The up side is that I feel great and have lost 10 pounds during the 2 weeks of Phase I. Yay! I got to have my first good carb yesterday. I was so excited about my bowl of shredded wheat. It wasn't all that and it made me insanely hungry, all day! So, I think I'll try a slice of whole grain bread tomorrow and see how that goes. :)

I also was away this weekend. I went to the Beth Moore conference down in Lexington. Pure 100% awesomeness! The theme of her teaching was Eat, Pray, Love. Very appropriate for many reasons! For one, it was the same night the movie opened, but her points were far different from the book or movie. Two, I've been thinking a lot about all three of those subjects lately (especially eating, isn't that always how it is when you're on a diet?). The teaching was out of the book of Jeremiah.
I'll try to write more about it later.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm Still Here

I've been neglecting this blog... haven't been sure what to do with it. My original thinking was that it'd be a great testimony to God's provision and faithfulness. From down here in the valley, it's not looking so bright at the moment. God always works thing to our good eventually... in His timing, not ours. So, I reckon I need to do something with this thing in the meantime...

For our sanity (particularly mine) and our savings account (do we even still have one, guess I better check on that... just kidding, kinda), another round of IVF is on hold. And, I can't promise there will or will not be another... and yes, I do hear the clock ticking, LOUDLY! But, come on we are talking about me... stubborn as can be... so there will probably be another.... maybe.

I never wrote about my "meeting" with Dr. A. I made this huge list of questions and bolstered up what little bit of courage I had left and went to see him. The answers I was seeking were simply not there. No explanation, just really bad luck all the way around. He did set out some options to avoid the retrieval disaster, should we be brave enough to try it again. I have a wandering ovary it seems. It was where it was supposed to be one day and then it hightailed it out of Dr. A's reach on retrieval day. So, next time, we are going to explore the option of taking the eggs by laparoscopy. . . which would be harder on me, of course. I wish he would have just done it last time... of course, he hadn't anticipated this to be a problem, so they weren't set up for it... blah, blah, blah... sigh... I think he's seriously worried about how much of this drama I can deal with... I guess he's had more than a few patients completely lose their minds. It's too late, mine's already toast, so why worry now?

In the interim, I have a short term goal. I need something else to work on, so I've decided it's time for a diet (dang it). My goal is to lose 30 pounds. It'll be a great thing no matter what's next on our horizon, so let's do it. Plus, Dr. A thinks it's a good idea. I think I will enlarge a photo of him and throw darts at it when I get really frustrated. Hope he never reads this... like he has time to go searching the internet for his patients' blogs. He is a brilliant doctor - really, he is. I just need someone to vent my frustration toward. So, since I doubt it'd hurt his feelings, he shall be the person I make my voodoo doll of... just kidding...

I've picked my torture device, The South Beach Diet Supercharged. Today is Day 1 and the first 2 weeks are gonna pretty much suck. No fruit, no grains... just veggies, lean protein, and a teeny bit of dairy. Exercise as many days a week as I can stand it. I even bought the South Beach Diet Supercharged Exercise DVD... which sucks by the way! I can't even do have the stuff on there. So, I'll do my more sensible Walk Away the Pounds as my core exercise routine and continue to try to do the other one as an extra challenge.

So, that's what's up with me. Several people have asked how I am or how Jason is. I am learning to loathe the question. I can't answer the way I'm supposed to, and I don't like lying! I mean seriously, who asks that question without expecting the answer to be, "I'm good"? I can't really say that. I'm trying, really I am. I'm better than I was after the miscarriage, definitely. But, I'm still hurt, bewildered, and otherwise out of sorts. I know there's no good answer to the questions, why me? Why infertility? Why? And, yet they are there at times. And God knows... truly He does. But, I do not understand. I simply am trying to learn to submit and say okay. I will walk this out wherever you take me. That's where I am... at least today, at this moment. It's all subject to change later today or maybe even tomorrow.