Monday, August 2, 2010

I'm Still Here

I've been neglecting this blog... haven't been sure what to do with it. My original thinking was that it'd be a great testimony to God's provision and faithfulness. From down here in the valley, it's not looking so bright at the moment. God always works thing to our good eventually... in His timing, not ours. So, I reckon I need to do something with this thing in the meantime...

For our sanity (particularly mine) and our savings account (do we even still have one, guess I better check on that... just kidding, kinda), another round of IVF is on hold. And, I can't promise there will or will not be another... and yes, I do hear the clock ticking, LOUDLY! But, come on we are talking about me... stubborn as can be... so there will probably be another.... maybe.

I never wrote about my "meeting" with Dr. A. I made this huge list of questions and bolstered up what little bit of courage I had left and went to see him. The answers I was seeking were simply not there. No explanation, just really bad luck all the way around. He did set out some options to avoid the retrieval disaster, should we be brave enough to try it again. I have a wandering ovary it seems. It was where it was supposed to be one day and then it hightailed it out of Dr. A's reach on retrieval day. So, next time, we are going to explore the option of taking the eggs by laparoscopy. . . which would be harder on me, of course. I wish he would have just done it last time... of course, he hadn't anticipated this to be a problem, so they weren't set up for it... blah, blah, blah... sigh... I think he's seriously worried about how much of this drama I can deal with... I guess he's had more than a few patients completely lose their minds. It's too late, mine's already toast, so why worry now?

In the interim, I have a short term goal. I need something else to work on, so I've decided it's time for a diet (dang it). My goal is to lose 30 pounds. It'll be a great thing no matter what's next on our horizon, so let's do it. Plus, Dr. A thinks it's a good idea. I think I will enlarge a photo of him and throw darts at it when I get really frustrated. Hope he never reads this... like he has time to go searching the internet for his patients' blogs. He is a brilliant doctor - really, he is. I just need someone to vent my frustration toward. So, since I doubt it'd hurt his feelings, he shall be the person I make my voodoo doll of... just kidding...

I've picked my torture device, The South Beach Diet Supercharged. Today is Day 1 and the first 2 weeks are gonna pretty much suck. No fruit, no grains... just veggies, lean protein, and a teeny bit of dairy. Exercise as many days a week as I can stand it. I even bought the South Beach Diet Supercharged Exercise DVD... which sucks by the way! I can't even do have the stuff on there. So, I'll do my more sensible Walk Away the Pounds as my core exercise routine and continue to try to do the other one as an extra challenge.

So, that's what's up with me. Several people have asked how I am or how Jason is. I am learning to loathe the question. I can't answer the way I'm supposed to, and I don't like lying! I mean seriously, who asks that question without expecting the answer to be, "I'm good"? I can't really say that. I'm trying, really I am. I'm better than I was after the miscarriage, definitely. But, I'm still hurt, bewildered, and otherwise out of sorts. I know there's no good answer to the questions, why me? Why infertility? Why? And, yet they are there at times. And God knows... truly He does. But, I do not understand. I simply am trying to learn to submit and say okay. I will walk this out wherever you take me. That's where I am... at least today, at this moment. It's all subject to change later today or maybe even tomorrow.


  1. I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you, Missy.

  2. Thank you Karin :) I'm so blessed to have you and the other girls from TOH in my life :)

  3. I'm glad to see an update and some glimmers of sarcasm (those are always good signs for me!!)---I love the idea of Dr. A being a dart chart. You are right, I'm sure he wouldn't even know (although I have to say that Dr. Sweeney somehow found my blog after Matthew died!) but even if he didn' he'd understand.

    You are doing the best you can with the circumstances you've been given and I just pray you continue to be able to do so with a sense of purpose and peace from God. You said it well when you said the view from the valley is often so different and yet that's where so much faith can be seen!

    Always keeping you in prayer and lifted!!!