Sunday, November 14, 2010

Going Through the Motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

The song Going Through the Motions by Matthew West caught my attention this past week. I've always really liked it and the message behind it, but as I listen to it now there are certain words that I feel deeply. There have been times in my life where I didn't feel anything, and I felt that life was meaningless. That's not the season that I'm in now. I have such a full life, and the people in my family mean so much to me. What resonates with me is the idea of living each day completely full of God's passion, despite the risks to my heart. It occurs to me that my heart is so human, so disgusting when left to its passions, that God breaking it and remolding it is what has to happen (and I hope has already happened on some level). My own pursuits are meaningless, but God's pursuits are everything. Being Michael's mama and Jason's wife are God given pursuits and I want to pursue them passionately, with total abandon. I do still want God to add to that pursuit another child/children, but I also am trying to see God's perspective and purpose. I know I am not capable of understanding it, but I pray that I am learning to live under his yoke, come what may.

Speaking of going through the motions, this week has been a bit like that. I am taking my pills like a good girl. I've filled out my paperwork. The best part of that was where they asked if I'd recently gained or lost more than 20 pounds. So, I got to say that I've lost more than 30 pounds in 3 months. That was a good feeling. Take that little evil doctor man! Ha! Okay, sorry, reigning myself in now :) Wonder if they really even read the paper work... anyway, I'm thankful and feel good :) I have had some dizzy spells. Don't recall that happening in past cycles, but I do believe it's a side effect of the pill, so no biggy. All done with the doxycycline, so at least that's one less pill to take. Another week, and we'll go see Dr. A. I am guessing I'll start shots on Thanksgiving Day.

The only other thing I can think to say is my heart is full of love. Thanks for reading.

1 comment:

  1. I like this song a lot too....and relate!

    Been thinking about you and the cycle...praying, praying, PRAYING!

    And HELLO (or goodbye????!!!) THIRTY POUNDS in THREE MONTHS?? That's awesome and you should be so proud of yourself!!!!!

    Sending lots and lots of love!
    xoxo

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