Day 1.

Here we are at the beginning of our 3rd IVF cycle!

The Technical: Drugs ordered and on standby. I called this morning and made an appointment for tomorrow. They will draw blood and do a baseline ultrasound scan. If the ovaries are quiet, I will begin the stimulation injections probably on Sunday. This is a new protocol for me. In the past, there has been a down-regulation of the ovaries first (they do this so that all the follicles are kind of starting growth from the same place). The hope is that by avoiding that step (in my case, since my ovaries tend to be pretty quiet at the beginning anyway), we may be able to retrieve more eggs. The change in protocol does make me a bit nervous, but I trust in the wisdom God has given my doctors. Anyway, we'll see what it looks like tomorrow - that will determine which protocol they use. I've also been concerned about going into this as I'm getting over a very nasty cold. The nurse assured me today that it's fine, so that does comfort me.

The Emotional: **Deep breath** Not sure... excited, scared, dizzy, so much to think about and no time to think. I don't feel scared about the process... I mean it's old news to us by this point. It's the unknown that scares me. The what if doesn't work this time and what if it works but we lose another baby? Why are we doing this???

...and then... I look at my angel Michael... and I know it's worth every agonizing moment of uncertainty. I've been listening to a lot of Jars of Clay lately. It's old-school, I know, but it's raw and emotional and so where I am right now. These lyrics from the song Much Afraid really resonate in my heart right now. So, here they are... they say it better than I can...

Empty again
Sunken down so far
So scared to fall
I might not get up again

So I lay at your feet
All my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to you

All of these things
I've held up in vain
No reason nor rhyme
Just the scars that remain
Of all of these things
I'm so much afraid
Scared out of my mind
By the demons I've made
Sweet Jesus, you never ever let me go
Oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go


So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on to where I've never been before