Day 2.

Today, I returned to IRH for my first appointment of this round. It's always bittersweet to walk through those doors. Sweet because of the hope of another baby. Bitter that I have to be there at all... especially this time.

The Technical: They drew blood to test my FSH levels (FSH = follicle stimulating hormone). That's the magic number they watch throughout the cycle to see how your ovaries are doing. Then Dr. Scheiber did a baseline ultrasound. All was quiet with the exception of the remains of a follicle from last cycle. He said I was good to start the short protocol and so my first injection of Menopur (FSH + LH) will be tomorrow (Sunday) night. I'll do injections Sun, Mon, Tues, and Wednesday and then return Thursday morning for another ultrasound.

The Emotional: I had mixed feelings when I realized Dr. Scheiber would be seeing me today, as he is not my primary doctor. Both doctors are excellent, but there's something about your primary... you feel like he is the expert on your body. It's pretty pathetic that I've been there so often, I recognize which doctor's car is in the reserved parking spot up front. I have to say though, the man was so nice to me today. He must have taken a moment to look at my chart before he saw me. He was so kind and encouraging, and I so appreciate that.

Jason and I spent a lot of time talking and praying about this last night. It's been really hard to figure out who to even ask to pray for us. It's like we are afraid to ask... it's hard to put yourself out there again in front of the world when it may all fall apart... again. It's so hard to show how hurt I am... I'll always tell you I'm about 10 times better than I am.

FEAR... that is the key word that pops up again and again and again. It's interesting how people respond to fear. Some are like horses... they run forward, backward, sideways, whatever... just keep forward motion and the bad stuff can't get you. Others are like deer; they freeze... utterly paralyzed. If what's after me can't detect me, I'll be safe. Both are the protective mechanisms God gave them. One isn't better than the other, but they are very different and can make for some long conversations about how to move forward. We know fear isn't of the Lord. I know Scripture says, "Do not fear." Well, I am not going to pretend I've mastered not feeling fear. I am just going to keep laying it at Jesus' feet.

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
—Isaiah 43:1-2

Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one who helps you.”

—Isaiah 41:10,13

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
—Psalm 46:1-2

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

—1 John 4:18