Saturday, July 24, 2010

5:17 a.m.

I've learned several things over the last 24 hours...

1. This is not just a nightmare I can't wake up from; it's real.

2. When I finally was alone (J and M went out for ice cream), I learned that if you throw a bottle of Prometrium really hard, it takes about 15 really good throws before it bursts open and that if you scream your most agonizing blood curdling scream, you can only get out about 3 good ones before your throat gives out.

3. People say goofy stuff when they don't know what to say. I'll give you this tip, never begin a statement with "At least..." when someone is hurting.

4. If I'd just given up when it got rough before, we wouldn't have our Michael. Please don't tell me to give me up. It makes it worse. I don't know what comes next. But please don't tell me to give up.

5. The nausea which I didn't tell hardly anyone about (but it had me convinced we were going to get a positive) hasn't gone away yet. I see my doctor on Tuesday afternoon... God, give me wisdom and strength.

6. I can't sleep.

7. I keep supposing that there is some Godly, mature way to respond to this, but I haven't figured it out yet.

8. Bad things are happening everywhere. There was this girl who I've been mentoring that had an unwanted pregnancy. She'd asked us if we'd consider adopting the baby. We told her that she needed to take time to figure things out but if later on she was sure that's what she wanted, we would prayerfully consider it. Then she almost had an abortion. We prayed so hard she wouldn't abort that baby and talked to her a lot about it. She decided to continue the pregnancy. Then I found out Thursday night she lost it. Somewhere deep in my heart, I knew this was a bad sign for us. I thought God had a reason for placing me in the situation of dealing with someone who was considering abortion. I thought I was seeing God work out something amazing, in spite of the discomfort the situation caused me. And now I don't see His hand there. I know it is, but I don't understand the point of the exercise, you know?

9. I want so badly to curl up inside myself and never come out. I won't do that. I have the bestest little boy and husband in the world to take care of. No matter how bad I hurt, they are my priority.

10. I heard a stupid song yesterday on the way home from IRH. I, again, knew this was a bad sign... I know this is how I'm supposed to pray but it hurts so much right now...

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what


  1. I'm very glad that God placed you in the path of the girl considering the abortion. If perhaps she didn't stop to listen to what you had to saw she could've gone ahead with it and then lived with a lifetime of guilt, regret, shame, and so much more. Believe me when I tell you that you saved her from dealing with a lot more than she already is.

  2. Oh are so right...there's no need to tell you the obvious--you know it and it doesn't change anything or make you feel any better, even if it is well-intended.

    When our 1st transfer after Matthew died was negative, I was just so bereft. I was so heartbroken about my little embryo, but it was almost like getting a negative just rubbed what I'd already lost in even MORE. I don't know how to explain it, but I just wanted to sit in a room and cry and cry and cry--untangle some emotions, get myself to where I felt like I had a little control or hope again...and desperately wonder when that would be.

    I'm so sorry and am lifting you up today and the days to come as you decide if and what comes next!
    Love you friend!

  3. Lots of hugs. Just lots of hugs.