Monday, July 12, 2010

The Two Week Wait

We are officially in the two week wait. There are several things on my mind today and nothing to be done about any of them but to rely on and trust God.

Today would have been my mom's birthday. She died in 2003. I miss her and even more than I miss her I miss the promise of her - the mother-daughter bliss that I always wished for with her. She lost her father at a very young age. She never got over it and it prevented her from really embracing life and led to a lot of other stuff. Life with my mom could be really fun at times, but there were a lot of sad, angry moments, and they put all of us a distance from her. No one could penetrate the wall she had. I smile when I picture her in heaven; I know she's happy and whole there.

Also on my mind is my father. He's been very ill and lives far away in England. He's pretty scared he'd dying and so he tried to plan his funeral with me yesterday over the phone. He has a flair for the dramatic, but that was a bit more than I could take. He is very sick and so we could lose him soon, and he's also very much an attention hound, so I know some of it is a manipulation for attention. When did the roles change? When was I ever the child and they the parents? I asked him whether or not he is saved. I think that startled him. He says he is saved. Only he and he Lord know for sure. If he's not, pray that our conversation made him think.

I'm wrestling with yesterday's sermon at church. Our pastor preached on turning fear into faith. He said that the "exhale" (the release from all the worry and stress) comes when you want God's plan for your life more than you want your own dreams. It reminds me of the song by Barlow Girl titled Surrender.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hands; can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.

Say you have a plan for me,
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.

Sometimes I don't know what's from Him and what's from me and what is to be fought for and what is to be surrendered. I know the answer is to rest in Him and let Him show me, but I'm so agitated. It's hard to be still before Him.

My Little Sweetheart. She's in there fighting, I hope. No, not only hope. I trust she is fighting. Jason and I are vacillating between crazy strong hope and hopelessness. This child is from the Lord, that is for sure. Her life will be to His glory, with no room for the glory of man.

I had a difficult conversation with an old friend today. I've walked many miles with her, but she doesn't understand this. She basically told me to get over myself and go serve some homeless people. It made me angry. I was already angry. Angry at infertility, angry at my doctor, angry at myself. Angry at the people who haven't been supportive.

God, help me walk this broken road. I know I'm a mess and I'm floundering and I'm failing You. Thank you for the supportive people that I do have in my life. I cannot even begin to count my blessings. I am pathetic looking clay. Please make something out of me.

4 comments:

  1. Isn't sitting back and waiting the hardest?! So. Hard. It sounds like there is just a lot of stuff going on. Any one of those alone would be tough, but together, it seems like the worries and hurts increase exponentially. The perspective you show here, though, holds so much hope. Hoping with you.

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  2. Oh man, the 2ww can be tough!! I agree w/ Karin, it seems like there is a lot going on in your life right now. It always seems hard/tough things follow each other but I pray that this little one is the light in it all.

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  3. I'm praying for you guys and your little sweetheart. I had a song come to mind as I was reading your blog - one that has helped me through lots of hard times. It's Audio Adrenaline's "Rest Easy". The chorus is like God talking to us and He says:
    "Rest Easy.
    I have no fear.
    I love you perfectly.
    Love drives out fear.
    I'll take your burdens,
    You take My grace.
    Rest easy in My embrace."

    I'll be praying you can "rest easy" tonight (at least for one night maybe). :) LOVE YOU!

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  4. On my heart every day of this 2ww and beyond!!! When's your beta?

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