Sunday, July 25, 2010

July 25th

Okay, so maybe being alone isn't good for me... I think too much but at least I haven't broken any pill bottles today. I couldn't paste on a smile for church today. I knew worship would reduce me to a puddle of tears.

Today is July 25th. I woke up to find my body is doing what it's supposed to do after a failed cycle, but it was like a final nail in the coffin for this embryo. No more irrational fantasies that maybe they were wrong. Not only that, had our twins lived, this would have been our due date. Instead of delivering beautiful babies, I am trying to pick up the pieces of a failed cycle. It's not fair. We were never promised fair. It still sucks though.

I've been working on my long list of questions for my doctor when I see him Tuesday. What else is there to say? All I can say is that I love my husband and I love my son. That's the good I am holding on to. God is with me, I know. I don't feel or hear him, but I know He's got to be there. Right?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

5:17 a.m.

I've learned several things over the last 24 hours...

1. This is not just a nightmare I can't wake up from; it's real.

2. When I finally was alone (J and M went out for ice cream), I learned that if you throw a bottle of Prometrium really hard, it takes about 15 really good throws before it bursts open and that if you scream your most agonizing blood curdling scream, you can only get out about 3 good ones before your throat gives out.

3. People say goofy stuff when they don't know what to say. I'll give you this tip, never begin a statement with "At least..." when someone is hurting.

4. If I'd just given up when it got rough before, we wouldn't have our Michael. Please don't tell me to give me up. It makes it worse. I don't know what comes next. But please don't tell me to give up.

5. The nausea which I didn't tell hardly anyone about (but it had me convinced we were going to get a positive) hasn't gone away yet. I see my doctor on Tuesday afternoon... God, give me wisdom and strength.

6. I can't sleep.

7. I keep supposing that there is some Godly, mature way to respond to this, but I haven't figured it out yet.

8. Bad things are happening everywhere. There was this girl who I've been mentoring that had an unwanted pregnancy. She'd asked us if we'd consider adopting the baby. We told her that she needed to take time to figure things out but if later on she was sure that's what she wanted, we would prayerfully consider it. Then she almost had an abortion. We prayed so hard she wouldn't abort that baby and talked to her a lot about it. She decided to continue the pregnancy. Then I found out Thursday night she lost it. Somewhere deep in my heart, I knew this was a bad sign for us. I thought God had a reason for placing me in the situation of dealing with someone who was considering abortion. I thought I was seeing God work out something amazing, in spite of the discomfort the situation caused me. And now I don't see His hand there. I know it is, but I don't understand the point of the exercise, you know?

9. I want so badly to curl up inside myself and never come out. I won't do that. I have the bestest little boy and husband in the world to take care of. No matter how bad I hurt, they are my priority.

10. I heard a stupid song yesterday on the way home from IRH. I, again, knew this was a bad sign... I know this is how I'm supposed to pray but it hurts so much right now...


I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why,



No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.



When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,



No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.



Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You



No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what

Friday, July 23, 2010

Bad News

It was negative.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Beta hCG Test Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go for my blood test. It's a very simple blood draw and then I go home and wait for the phone call. With Michael, it came minutes after I got home and with my last pregnancy, it took them all day to call. So, tomorrow will probably be a long day. I am hopeful but cautious. I keep thinking of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and how they believed God would save them from the fiery furnace. I also think about them saying that if He chose not to save them, they would never stop believing Him. My prayer is that no matter the outcome, I will find my rest in Him and that no matter what, my faith will continue to be strengthened.

I love the song Broken by Lifehouse. I heard it for the first time the night I found out I would lose the twins. The pain in the song was so reflective of how I felt. But, if you listen to all the lyrics, the song is also hopeful. I heard it yesterday and this part resonated with me:

In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay

So, until tomorrow....

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Rainbow

We saw a rainbow on our way home tonight. It touched my heart. Babies who come after miscarriages are often called "rainbow babies" because they are the beautiful rainbow after the dark storm of loss. I wonder if our "Little Sweetheart" will be our "rainbow"...

It's been a rough day and I feel empty and scared. This week is going by slowly. God, I need you so much. I'm so tired.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Past the half way mark of the two week wait

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls. But, pass it does. Even for me.

The past week was busy, and busy was good, and even fun. It's good to be distracted. We keep praying for her... for every cell division.

Lots on my mind tonight. My 20 year high school reunion is going on as I type, several hundred miles away. I hadn't planned to make the trip for obvious reasons, and I didn't really enjoy my 10 year reunion that much. Don't get me wrong, I went to school with some really wonderful people. It's just been so long and my life is so different now (and I am in touch with the really special friends). It is nostalgic though to remember... who I was... not even a Christian then... just the smart girl that rode horses instead of chasing boys (well, okay there was one or two but I wasn't in any danger of catching them and for that I am so thankful).

Things with my dad are getting worse. He's back in the hospital and it doesn't look too good. He's trying to make his peace with everyone; he doesn't believe he'll come home this time. We talked more about his salvation and we did get into some detail. He said the right words and I pray that the heart matches. I was talking to my sister today about all this... I feel like I should feel much more than I do about this... it's so hard to conjure up any feelings. Have I just been through too much loss to feel it any more or am I harboring grudges from his past hurts (far too many to enumerate)? Is it the distance or the fact that he hasn't been much of a part of my life the last 10 years? Or is it God giving me a peace? I tend to think it's the Lord because whatever has me in this place is far beyond my understanding.

So, I'm here still. Hanging on to Scriptures and praying for my "little sweetheart". I love her so much already...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I really don't have much to write today, and I am counting that as a blessing. God has quieted my heart, at least for yesterday and today. The big "God thing" that I've been pondering is that He is unchanging. Despite whether our prayers are answered the way we hope or not, He is still the same God.

It's been a week since retrieval already. My next appointment is Friday, July 23rd at 9:45am. All it will be is a blood draw for a pregnancy test. So, like 9 more days to go. We continue to pray and love on our "Little Sweetheart". Jason has the tenderest heart for her already...

I just want to take a moment to say thanks to those of you who keep checking on me. I am blessed, and I love yall.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Two Week Wait

We are officially in the two week wait. There are several things on my mind today and nothing to be done about any of them but to rely on and trust God.

Today would have been my mom's birthday. She died in 2003. I miss her and even more than I miss her I miss the promise of her - the mother-daughter bliss that I always wished for with her. She lost her father at a very young age. She never got over it and it prevented her from really embracing life and led to a lot of other stuff. Life with my mom could be really fun at times, but there were a lot of sad, angry moments, and they put all of us a distance from her. No one could penetrate the wall she had. I smile when I picture her in heaven; I know she's happy and whole there.

Also on my mind is my father. He's been very ill and lives far away in England. He's pretty scared he'd dying and so he tried to plan his funeral with me yesterday over the phone. He has a flair for the dramatic, but that was a bit more than I could take. He is very sick and so we could lose him soon, and he's also very much an attention hound, so I know some of it is a manipulation for attention. When did the roles change? When was I ever the child and they the parents? I asked him whether or not he is saved. I think that startled him. He says he is saved. Only he and he Lord know for sure. If he's not, pray that our conversation made him think.

I'm wrestling with yesterday's sermon at church. Our pastor preached on turning fear into faith. He said that the "exhale" (the release from all the worry and stress) comes when you want God's plan for your life more than you want your own dreams. It reminds me of the song by Barlow Girl titled Surrender.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hands; can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.

Say you have a plan for me,
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Chorus
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me.

Sometimes I don't know what's from Him and what's from me and what is to be fought for and what is to be surrendered. I know the answer is to rest in Him and let Him show me, but I'm so agitated. It's hard to be still before Him.

My Little Sweetheart. She's in there fighting, I hope. No, not only hope. I trust she is fighting. Jason and I are vacillating between crazy strong hope and hopelessness. This child is from the Lord, that is for sure. Her life will be to His glory, with no room for the glory of man.

I had a difficult conversation with an old friend today. I've walked many miles with her, but she doesn't understand this. She basically told me to get over myself and go serve some homeless people. It made me angry. I was already angry. Angry at infertility, angry at my doctor, angry at myself. Angry at the people who haven't been supportive.

God, help me walk this broken road. I know I'm a mess and I'm floundering and I'm failing You. Thank you for the supportive people that I do have in my life. I cannot even begin to count my blessings. I am pathetic looking clay. Please make something out of me.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Transfer Day

Transfer went very smoothly. Dr. Scheiber showed us on the ultrasound exactly where he placed our little sweetheart. Dr. Scheiber and the nurse I had today were very encouraging and told us to think positive (to be honest, I wondered if they were really thinking that this is impossible, but then again I don't care; all that matters is what God plans). I know that the odds are not necessarily in our favor, but I love this little one and I trust God to make of her life all the He wills. I've been fond of every single embryo we've every transferred over the course of these 3 IVF cycles, but I have a special attachment to this one. She is a fighter, like me. May neither on of us ever give up!

Thank you so much for praying along as we've gone through this cycle. I ask that you continue to pray fervently.

This song is my prayer for our little sweetheart. I pray that she lives to fall in love with Jesus.

In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Transfer Tomorrow

Of the 2 eggs retrieved, one was mature and the lab performed ICSI on it. It did fertilize, so we are scheduled to transfer 1 sweet little embryo tomorrow. We are calling "her" our little sweetheart. The other egg was not quite mature. The nurse mentioned they were "watching it" (I'm not sure if they are watching to see if it matures in culture or if they tried to fertilize it the traditional way but they really don't hold out hope for it to do anything).

Transfer is scheduled for 7:45 a.m. tomorrow with Dr. Scheiber. Please pray for our little sweetheart. God is "her" creator and He can bring her all the way through if He wills it. Let us hope and pray that the phrase, "It only takes one," applies to this case.

Yesterday was beyond nightmarish and it is difficult not to assign blame. I won't go into the details here because they are so raw and painful. Jason and I were talking earlier and we are choosing to walk forward and focus all our energy on praying for our little sweetheart. Pray for me in this, as it is a challenge.

Please pray with us. We are meditating on this verse:

"The LORD has heard my plea; the LORD will answer my prayer." (Psalm 6:9 OYB)


and this song is what's in my head (Your Hands by JJ Heller):

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

Thanks for praying for us. I know that we'll never be able to say thank you enough.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

ER Day

Retrieval did not go as we hoped. Dr. A was only able to get 2 eggs. Please pray. We'll find out tomorrow if we will have any embryos to transfer on Friday.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 12.

No more shots for me! Had the last 2 last night! Today there is nothing to swallow, inject, or otherwise put in my body. I think I will use the extra time tonight to bake brownies for the staff at IRH to say thank you for all the great care we've been receiving. They really go above and beyond and I am thankful that God orchestrated that they would be our doctors. Yesterday, quite frankly, was a bad, bad hormone day. Today I feel much lighter and I even have a surge of energy. Today is all about enjoying my sweet toddler son and preparing our home for tomorrow. I'm going down the list the nurses gave me, with a few additions of my own. Shots, check. Babysitter lined up, check. Chick films ready to be watched as I lie on the couch tomorrow, check. A couple of new, fun toys for Michael to play with tomorrow, check. Unmentionable doctor's order, check (seriously, there are things that doctor's really shouldn't be able to tell us to do at specific times that I'm not going to even discuss), Happy Pill (aka Valium) in purse to take on the way to the doctor's office, check. Cat, check... wait, no, scratch that.

We are to be there at 6:45 a.m., yes I said a.m. I get no breakfast, not even water, and definitely no coffee *sigh*. Our babysitter will be here at 5:45 a.m. I love her. My big dilemma is whether to get Michael up that early or to let him sleep and wake up to the sitter.... hummm.... I'll probably get him up, I've gotta see that beautiful smile before I go. I don't want to sound morbid, because it's going to be just fine, but if God forbid something happens to me, my biggest fear is that Michael may someday wonder if his mommy loved him. I made Jason promise me that no matter what, he'd tell him everyday if for any reason I can't. I will be fine; I know that. But, it's a surgery, so, I just had to make sure that was taken care of.


On the way down to IRH (it's a 45 minute drive with traffic) I get a Valium at 6:15. I was talking with a dear friend today that has been through this whole thing and I was happy to find out that she, too, really looked forward to the Happy Pill. I was feeling a little guilty about that. It really does nothing but relax you; oh, but I need to relax. I remember my first IVF, I just became totally bubbly and happy. I remember Dr. A chuckling at me and saying, yep, she's good. When we get there, I will change into my lovely hospital gown and Jason will tuck me in bed. Then comes the IV. I am seriously concerned about the IV. I'm a difficult stick and they had trouble just drawing blood at my last appointment. I'm praying that I get a really good nurse (I told them a need a really good vampire). After they get the IV going, they wheel you into the ER suite. It's a very sterile, empty feeling room similar to a surgery suite. Our clinic has clouds painted on the ceiling so you can pretend you're somewhere else. And there are the loud fans you usually have in a surgery suite. They also play music but after a little while I can't hear it anymore. They use what they call moderate sedation. It is a very deep state of relaxation and again, I'm ashamed to say, I'm looking forward to my little mini-vacation from reality. You are kind of awake but time has no meaning, and you don't feel a whole lot. I've heard some women remember pain, but I haven't ever remembered that. I remember last IVF, I tried to pick up my head to say hi to Dr. A when he came in and I felt like my head weighed a million pounds.

Then they do the retrieval. I don't know how long it takes; it never seems long. Jason doesn't get to come with me, but he'll have his own stuff to take care of.
Afterward, Jason will come find me in recovery, and I'll chill out there for an hour or so. Dr. A usually comes by to tell us what he got, and the lab begins their work. More on that later. Then, we go home and I spend the day as a couch potato and begin an insane regimen of medications (thankfully, none are injectables). Oh, and I forgot to mention breakfast from Cracker Barrel. Jason always gets take-out for me on the way home... pecan pancakes :P

These are what follicles look like; my doctor will be suctioning the eggs out of mine tomorrow.

This is a picture of the room where my procedure will be. That's my doctor and a few of the nurses (the one in the foreground is my favorite nurse, but she's not working tomorrow, bummer). This is an older photo; most of the equipment in the room is more modern looking than in this photo, but that's generally what I'll be looking like tomorrow.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 11.

Trust. That's the word I heard in the early morning hours when all was quiet. I thanked God for the precious gift of that Word. I wondered if He meant that I needed to trust Him or was there someone or something else I was supposed to trust. After a bumpy, hormonal morning where nothing seems to come easy, I'm thinking He means to trust Him. People make me crazy sometimes; really, they do. If I'm teaching someone how to do an algebra problem, I can be the most patient and understanding of teachers. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am so easily hurt, doubly so with all these hormones pumping through my body. The only exceptions to this rule are Jason and Michael; as Martha Stewart would say, that's a good thing :) I often make the mistake of looking to the world for comfort and love when it's Christ that I need to run to. How many times do I have to learn this lesson? Tenth Avenue North says it beautifully...

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you


Why do we try to earn what cannot be earned? Why do we compare our road to another person's road? In moments of clarity, I am thankful for my broken road, for it has led me to Michael and to Jason. Of course, there are moments when I am so mad that I am not "normal". Nope not normal, never have been, never will be. Never. But, God blesses my broken road.

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I was re-reading the post I put up yesterday, and it dawned on me that most people have no earthly clue what all the IVF techno-babble means. I've been living in this fishbowl for so long that it all seems rather obvious. I am going to shamelessly copy a few paragraphs and pictures from IRH's website to explain a little better (IRH is the IVF clinic we go to). Yes, the teacher-geek in me is coming out.

In its simplest term, IVF is simply the uniting of egg and sperm in vitro (in the lab). Subsequently the embryos are transferred into the uterus through the cervix and pregnancy is allowed to begin. A typical IVF cycle begins with shutting down the ovaries. The next phase involves stimulation of the ovaries with potent ovulation medications to stimulate the development of several eggs. These injections are given for approximately 10 days. When the eggs are ready for harvesting, a final step is to give hCG to induce final maturation. The eggs are then harvested by a process called ultrasound guided vaginal retrieval. Under moderate sedation, and with ultrasound guidance, a thin needle is passed a short distance into the ovaries and the eggs are suctioned from the follicles. Typically 5-15 eggs are collected. Then sperm are released into the petri dish to fertilize the egg. If the sperm will not fertilize the eggs naturally we can perform intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). This procedure involves injecting one sperm directly into the egg.



Below is a mature egg. The red arrow points to the polar body; that's the indication that the egg is mature enough to fertilize. We are praying for as many of these as possible.

This next photo shows a single sperm being injected into an egg during ICSI. Our eggs will be undergoing ICSI as well as assisted hatching (due to my age). After 35, eggs are assumed to be tougher and to need the extra help hatching after fertilization.

These are embryos 3 days after fertilization. This is what we are hoping to see. My last 2 IVF cycles, we have done day-2 transfers. We may also do a day-2 transfer this time. It all depends on the number of embryos we have.

The science of it all is so beautiful; totally shows how awesome God is. Only He could create us this way, and only He could give us the knowledge to understand enough to be able to attempt to overcome infertility.

Well, I'd say that's enough for today. I take my Ovidrel (hCG) tonight at 8. We'll be praying for all the little eggs to mature in time for the procedure on Wednesday.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 10.

Happy 4th of July everyone! I pray that yall all have a blessed day! We took Michael to a local festival yesterday and we had such a great time. He got to go to the petting zoo and to play on a bunch of toddler-sized inflatables. Last night, Jason and I sat out on our deck and watched several fireworks shows. It was so nice. Today we are planning on trying out J's new ice cream maker (his Father's Day gift).

The Technical: I had an appointment this morning with Dr. S. They took more blood (they took it out of my hand today - ouch!). They also did an ultrasound. I have about 6 that are large enough to be contenders. The leader is 19, then there are some 15s, and a 14 and a 13. Lining was looking good at 12. Dr. S said the 19 is getting a little on the large side, so we can't stim too much longer. He hopes they will all be mature for retrieval but he warned me one or two might not quite get there. So, the plan is for me to stim + ganirelix tonight and then induce ovulation with Ovidrel tomorrow night. So, only 4 more injections at home! Egg retrieval surgery is scheduled Wednesday morning (with Dr. A, he'll be back in the office) - very, very, very early. Praying that my babysitter can be convinced to be up at 6 am... I plan to bribe her with caramel frappacinos...

I wish we had more to work with, but we've worked with this scenario before and God is in control. It only takes one. As I was going over all my instructions and paperwork (more on that tomorrow), the calendar day that said "Pregnancy Test" took my breath away when I saw it. Stick me with needles, do surgery on me, whatever... I can cope. Pregnancy tests are scary to me.

Jason is excited. My nurse was very excited. I'm trying to get excited. I'm numb. I'm thinking a good cry is in my future. Too many emotions and hormones and no outlet. I tried to pose with Michael for some photos this morning because we were both dressed in our red, white, and blue. They turned out HORRIBLE. I look HORRIBLE; Michael is adorable of course.

I can't finish up this post without mentioning a dear friend who had a devastating loss yesterday, her 19 week old son. You are in my prayers, my sweet sister in Christ! My heart is so heavy for you. You are much loved, and I wish I could do more for you.

One more thing to add, the lyrics to Selah's Press On

When the mountain is steep
when the valley is deep
when the body is weary
when we stumble and fall
When the choices are hard
when we're battered and scarred
when we've spent our resource
when we've given our all
In Jesus' name we press on
In Jesus' name we press on
dear lord, with the prize
clear before our eyes
we find the strength to press on

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day 9.

Today was a work day for me. I had 2 ACT students this morning and both of them were working on grammar today. You know, schools really need to bring back formal grammar courses. Most of my students can't even spell grammar...

I am feeling quite "full" today; I feel like a chicken that needs to lay some eggs. I'm glad I'm scheduled to start my Ganirelix shots tonight (Ganirelix prevents you from ovulating too soon). Double shots for me from now on! I see Dr. S tomorrow at 9:15. Hopefully the ultrasound will be good and I'll find out when ER (egg retrieval surgery) will be.

I heard a song this morning that I wanted to include the lyrics to... can't think of it for the life of me... oh, yeah, now I remember... Legacy by Nichole Nordeman...

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy


My prayer today is this... Lord, you know your plans for me and I do not. Help me walk this road according to your will and to receive you as the center of my life. Help me make You central to all that I say and do. Hold me, Lord. I need you so much.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Day 8,

Inspire. I love that word. And I love these beautiful flowers that one of my very special students brought me for helping her prep for her ACT. She also happens to be Michael's favorite baby sitter and I am so thankful for her!

The Technical: Continuing on with the 4-3-4-3 pattern of injections. We had a little bit of a humorous moment last night. Jason was chatting away on the phone and it was getting to be time for my injection. He comes walking toward me with a loaded syringe and I'm like, "Oh nooo... you tell your friend to hold on while you are sticking me with that!". We both died laughing. Guess we are getting a little too comfortable with needles! I'm feeling decent - bloated for sure. If I could just get my sinuses to clear up, I'd be great!

The Rest of the Story: There's been a scripture in my mind today. It's Proverbs 3:5-6. A friend on Facebook posted it, and it really resonated with me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

It would be easy to get caught up in all the numbers... percentage rates and FSH levels and numbers of eggs and on and on... especially easy for me because with my background I can get really caught up in the technical aspect of it all. But, I feel like if I worry about those numbers too much, I will cease to walk by faith. And so of course, this song is in my head:

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

I pray God will help we walk by faith through this valley. That's all until tomorrow...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 7.

The Technical: Today I had an appointment at IRH. Dr A. is out of town so I saw Dr. S. It was a good appointment. They took another tube of blood, and I had an ultrasound. Dr. S said things are looking good for where we are in the cycle. The lining is at 10 and the lead follicle is at 15, with a bunch of 10s behind it. I'm not sure if this new protocol is going to yield more eggs... but we shall see. I'm not going to have enough Menopur, so I ordered 10 more vials today. Hope I'll have enough Ganirelix. We'd ordered very conservatively because I've had lots of leftovers in the past. I'm thinking I'll definitely be stimming longer this time. Dr. S. estimated middle of next week for retrieval. My next appointment is Sunday morning, on the holiday no less... my doctors are so dedicated and I so appreciate that. Jason and Michael may go with me, but I may send them to church instead.

The Emotional: I'm just plain old tired today. Feeling the edges of a headache... need to keep hydrating. Missing my friends from NOLA today. Just wish I had somebody to give me a big 'ole hug. I find a constant paradox in my mind... on one hand I so want people to know what's going on and then on the other I want to keep every bit of it private. I find that to be true of me in general though. Have you ever desired to be truly known by the people in your life, yet also desiring to be this "other"... to look like the ideal that you hope God is turning you into? Afraid to be seen, yet so needing people to see me for who I am and to love me for it. I am so blessed to have a husband that does know me inside out and he loves me for it. So does Jesus. That is enough, I know that. Yet, I feel like I'm supposed to have purpose, to bear witness to someone about something... Too big for me to wrestle with at this moment. Little Man is napping and the couch is beckoning me...

Until tomorrow.... I'm still hanging on... another day :)